Aloofness in Our Heart

I love him and I have seen love in his eyes.. Then where it’s not working? Even I am not unfaithful neither he’s disloyal then what’s wrong between us? Why arguments? Why clashes and discretion? Days … months and years we walked together and there came an unidentified distance between us… I am unsure how it came… I just don’t know…just don’t know…

Eyes get drowned in tears with deep pain… my path became abandoned. We dreamed together… I thought we have same goals to achieve and same paths to travel. I was holding his hands and walking and I don’t know when we departed our hands and choose a different path. I walked and he walked a long way and I thought he was with me in that pathway and same he felt. But we failed to realize that in middle of path we both took a different deviation and believed we both are with each other in that deviated direction. But I didn’t succeed to realize that it was only his path and mine was far away from him. I decided to walk alone and I walked alone and kind of lost myself.

And then I ask myself that there is no love between us? Or we lost that bonding? Or what it is? But my heart say’s to me there’s still lot of LOVE…I see love in each other’s eyes and the pain to quit but then I can’t track the reasons for disparities…

When this world ask me I don’t know what I am gonna tell? I realize all our dreams and promises we made is like a mirror which got broken with hurts and grief. Our dreams got split with our aloofness in our hearts. I feel the light of our love got rotten.

I found my HAPPINESS in JESUS

I get hurt but the difference is that now I look to my heavenly DAD and seek his face and tell him that “DAD I am hurt but its okay dad because I have you with me. I somehow with the help of my dad JESUS able to cast all my burdens, pains, tears and hurts to my DAD because I know he’s the wonderful man who can sort it out.

Earlier I get hurt and in pain I become restless then I start to get irritated. And the result would be nagging. At a point I even felt like futile to express my feelings and emotions when nobody is getting convinced or able to understand. I tried and tried to solve things by talking, by clearing my mind, by ignoring but everything again futile. But then I remember that man who lived in this WORLD 2000 years ago, still living and gave his life for me on that CROSS. I said ohhh DAD how did I forgot you in the midst of all this issues and problem. And I realized that YES that was my problem “Forgetting my LORD”. I tried solving the problems with my skill but GOD proved noo you can’t save your marriage nor your kids, JOB or anything… it’s only ME and surrender to me your burdens, pains, tears, worries…  JESUS said why you have to take this pain my daughter when I have already took that on the CROSS? Why you have to cry when I cried for this whole WORLD & Human race? Why you have to be in pain when I tolerated all the pain when I was whipped… why?? Come to me and call me. I realized the fact and accepted that in this world if anyone can solve things then it’s him that wonderful man who I met somewhere in my life and all my life got changed “none other than JESUS”. I declared my love.. I fall in love with him and announced to myself that he’s ma MAN… everything and everybody comes after that in my life, even my family and kid. Because you the one who gave me all this.

I prayed let me seek you and look at you my LOVE JESUS. Ohhh Jesus give me a new heart which is of yours with LOVE, COMPASSION &FORGIVENESS. Ohh my DAD JESUS give me your SHAME dad because I am not worthy to look at your face and call you as my DAD. Jesus my Pappa give me your strength when I am in the verge of break down. Ohh my LOVE JESUS give me your WISDOM to walk in the right path. DADA I just want you to take control over me. Tie me and rule me with your WORDS.

All these days I looked at this world and the things of this world. I searched happiness in this world. I tried to replace things to solve the problems. I get disappointed with my family issues. I nag my husband when he doesn’t understand my feelings. I scold my kid out of frustration. What I gained??? What did I gain other than lack of peace and pain? I didn’t gain anything when I looked into this world and the things but rather keep on feeling like I am drowning in more and more problems. I yelled and said nooo my happiness is not from my family, kid, money or this WORLD. I found my happiness in you JESUS which can’t be snatched away by this world. Bcoz you the one who love me beyond my expectation. What is kept in this world to fantasies? Nothing I find in his world as an excitement… bcoz I can’t take a single penny or my family, job or anything when I say a GOOD-BYE to this WORLD. My life is gonna start after my death being with you. When I started to find happiness in JESUS I don’t know I had burdens, I felt bad or get hurt but he reminded me that I am with you and yours all is mine now. Your sorrows and problems are mine now. I don’t know now nothing in this world affects me.  I pray GOD my happiness should begin and end with you. I need you badly and terribly in my life back in the same way my heart beats, in the same way I need oxygen to breathe. I cried and said DAD this is the battle I am gonna fight. I can’t do it alone. I need you to be with me to win this WAR. This BATTLE is not mine but ours DAD JESUS. I look at him and don’t see anything else in this WORLD. He reinstated me. I lost my way but JESUS in between called me name and said daughter you are on the wrong path… come hold my hands and this WAY.. I followed him and I reached my HOME BACK. I said give me your cloth dad so that I can wear you. Let me breathe you in…

As I have read in bible You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.” So I ask in your name that I wanna see you, I want to be happy and rejoice in you not in this WORLD. As you said “A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.” So this WORLD will not influence me or touch me.

My aim is to tell and share your GOSPEL without any fear and shame. Let this world persecute me.. let them take my life.. let them judge me… let them call me insane… but my LOVE for you will never shake with your HELP. As PAUL said I am not ashamed of the GOSPEL. Let me proclaim.. let me declare… Ohh GOD give me the heart of boldness to speak and testify about you. Because when I am getting deeper into you I feel like going everywhere and share your WORD.  This is my AIM now… Never let me fall my GOD JESUS. Now I thank GOD that all this breakdowns, pain and tears are good to restore my LOVE towards you my LORD.

Captive…

I am hurting somebody or it’s just because I am very selfish? I was not like this. I don’t know I am now volatile. I believed in humanity, patience, forgiveness. But what I am now is just opposite to all this. These are the days where I feel like I am exhausted in my life. I feel I lost all my patience in me. I am not able to forgive people. I hate inhumane but gradually I am turning into that. There was a Lexi who always took the initiative to patch up the broken relations. I took steps to mend the ripped areas. But now I feel like let it be…I don’t care, I don’t bother… I go to that verge and hurt others and still don’t care. My heart stopped reacting towards the tears of my loved people. I lost all that love affection.. I am becoming rude, bold, strong, non-approachable, selfish, unsympathetic and I don’t even give up now not even for my love. I do things and don’t repent but I realize it and I don’t bother to change or apologize. I justify my wrongs…

I hurt others to make me happy. I can’t take the pain.. I started have a grumbling heart. I am not stable and steady… different thoughts haunting me… different perspectives haunting me… a new me… new changes… new attitude… new character. All this is happening bcoz I lost the old me somewhere… I am trying hard to get back (old me) into my life. I feel like there’s a big wall which prevents the old me to get into me. A new mask I am wearing which I know it’s bad but I am unable to snatch and throw it away. I feel fascinated in that image. What do I do now?? Where to go?? How to go back? I lost the way.. I don’t know how I can reach to my old home. I lost the goodness of GOD in me. I feel like something else controlling me. This is not me…. I was not like this…. I feel like a different spirit captivated my soul and ruling me…

 

Why it’s hard to find LOVE today…

I just wanna talk about LOVE & BREAK-UPS. I know I have already emphasized on this but when I see lots of relationships are breaking around me I feel so much hurt. Divorces are immensely increasing… people part their ways from their loved ones for even absurd reasons. I get astonished and think why this is so hard for today’s youth to be in a relationship for longer time. Today living or being with one person or choosing your life partner and growing old with them is like an unbelievable parable. Youth call it as myth or legend. Some even ask how you managed with the same person for the whole life. People don’t believe in relationships, people don’t trust each other, lost the transparency; people don’t want to be in a relationship nor wanna get committed.

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I wonder why relationships are not lasting in this generation. People are keener in breaking a relation than building it up. I think people have forgot how to love or forgotten what LOVE is?

You fall for a person that’s not a love. That’s the attraction towards your opposite sex. You feel everything blossom around you when you are with that girl/boy again that’s not love. You don’t see anything in this world because you are blinded in that magnetism pull towards her/him. LOVE starts when you start living with the person and accepts them as what they are. Don’t look for the perfections or your desires in other person. You just have to accept, respect and understand them.

People tend to spend a lot of time when they are at the beginning stage of relationship and gradually move to a routine of not taking time for the same LOVE in future. But spending time is not only meant at the initial stages. You have to take more time when your relationship gets older. Sit alone with them, talk for hours and share your emotions and how you feel. Talk out all the disparity.

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If you choose to be loved and love a person then you have to get prepared for small sacrifices, compromises. What LOVE we have in us when we can’t make small changes for her/him. We don’t wanna invest anything to make our relationship work. There was time when our older generation invests their time and everything to save the marriage or make the relationship work. That’s what LOVE is all about. Today the new generations including me showcase a self-seeking love. We are self lovers with selfish motives. We don’t wanna give-up for our loved one even though we see them struggling hard. We don’t bother when our love is weeping, we don’t even care to take an initiative to patch up. We just don’t care. What we care is all about us. We want to attain everything in easy way. We are losers who say that I quit in this relation or I can’t take it anymore. We don’t let our love grow. Today LOVE comes with conditions and terms and still people call it “LOVE”. Love was and always defined as unconditional but today LOVE is having a different meaning or lost its sacristy and purity.

We are always looking for enjoyment, thrills, excitement in life. We want someone to be with us when we are travelling, when are partying or watch movies. Today people say of course we spend time together. And I ask what time you spend together if you can’t make it memorable or don’t make memories by holding a tab or phone in your hand and spend the whole days and time by recharging your internet and what’s app. Just throw it away for a while, or switch it off and just look at her/him.. treasure the moments and make it unforgettable. Because you may not know whether you will get a day more in your life as life is unpredictable. I even know couples who sleep at the same bed and busy with their phones and text messages. Do you call this as togetherness? We don’t see the beauty of making days, time and moments special because we don’t value it. We depend on technology to express our feeling and to talk. It seems like there’s nothing to talk about as we have already replaced our presence with text messages and video calls. We always need someone who drives us crazy or makes us excited and soon it will fade away when all the enthusiasm comes to dump and finally we call it as “we quit”. We don’t leave space for love. And I don’t understand what we are gonna achieve without LOVE?

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Relationship works with maturity, falling in love again and again, sense of belonging, emotional connections. To happen all this we need to take out special time for them and make sure and it works by investing our everything.  I would rather choose to spend the whole day with one person than opting to spend each hour with hundreds of people. We call our-self social and believe in meeting people and making new relations than getting to know about them. And finally nothing works out because we are in search of perfections which is not gonna happen and result is disappointments. The outcome is we start to believe all this as a fairy tale and conclude we are not meant for relationships. We don’t want to be committed, settle down, have kids and take up the responsibilities. This seems to be scary now.

Today it’s not even called as love making. Its SEX and LOVE. Both come in a different package. Sex doesn’t come with love and vice-versa. Today’s generation fail to realize that sex comes easily but not loyalty and fidelity. Today you do it not because you love that person but you want to feel good. What a awful notion had entered into this world? Sex outside marriage is not a peccadillo or offence anymore. It’s said I am having an open relationship, friends with benefits, no strings attached, one night stands…

People forgot to love deeply and madly. We became more sensitive and sensible. We became more intolerant. We made our-self non-approachable,. We think it’s not practical to adjust. We believe in not losing our-self for our love. We believe in liberty. We believe in our individuality and selfishness than giving up or making small changes for our love.

This generation along with me is frightened. They fear to love, to commit, to be in a relation, to fall in love, to get hurt, to face the reality and scared to get our hearts broken. We can’t handle it because we think we are the practical generation and reality is that we are the owners of a very week mental stability. We run away from our problems. We can’t face it. We don’t accept challenges. We fail soon; cry and think about ending our lives. We are incapable of everything.

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Your love can only be successful when you practically apply the love rather knowing or reading books, blogs and articles. Don’t keep it in your brain. Apply or invest it on your relationships.

 

 

Love blossom

A new blossom, a new bliss—refreshness…I wanna probably ask myself to my mind… where am I going? Which direction … what have I gained and what am I searching for? May be the unheard things and the untold things…

A new song, a new tune, new steps to dance and rejoice… In the pages of my life unfortunately and unexpectedly I found something in those old street which was there from very beginning. A thought came to my mind and I ask to ma mind with astonishment that is this the thing I was searching for? Or is this the thing which made me incomplete ??

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My eyes got stuck into that new different path or direction which I never expected. I am standing there with perplexed heart whether to go or not to? My mind says to follow the new rhythm and dance to the new tune of my heart. My mind says not to stop my heart and if it wants to travel then let it go to that new direction.. what am I petrified of? What’s pulling me back? Why the fear is holding my heart back…Let me fly high without caring this world and norms. Let me go to the other world where I can see only the brighten colors around me. Let me have my wings and go to clouds… restored peace, restored love, restoration….

 

Agony…Deep in Anguish

Restlessness…disturbed…anguish… affliction…lonely nights  in the dark I wept, wept and wept… endless tears rolling down… wiping my tears. I was alone I just want to kill myself. I looked for tools to end my life. I felt it’s better to be not in this world than spending myself in the loneliness. Silence…. I was ambushed in this difficult phase or time which I felt like I couldn’t come out. I was vexatiousness… feeling in vain. Whatever I do still it again comes to the pain. So much petrified about my life. The anguish of being ALONE. In the midst of all this the only hope and light I expect is from my beloved heavenly DAD. A thought in ma mind “why should I bother about all this when I have a wonderful dad who can take care of everything in my life”. It took a little time for me to come out or overcome the situation. But without much delay GOD made me realized that time will heal me. And I believe that my GOD is more than enough to take away all my perplexeness and soreness. When I stop reacting for all my pain and anguish then I know I have a wonderful GOD who will speak for me. Just the matter of time. I just want an understanding heart. Somethings just don’t get into my mind but with his grace I learned to ignore things which make me feel bad and I am moving on….

A SMALL CONVERSATION WITH GOD

I was an atheist till the GOD made me realize his existence and his power. I believe it was my GOD who choose me and helped me grow more spiritual. I always pray LORD JESUS rule me in your love, words and spirit. Restrain from all those things which is not from you. My life started to be beautiful. I feel the blossoms of nature and enjoy the bliss being with ma GOD and immense peace which is ineffable. Soon I experienced my DAD “Jesus” magical healing power. I call my GOD DAD. He cured my sickness. He taught me the real meaning of forgiveness. My DAD said me to be patient, to HUMBLE myself… I obeyed and started practicing it until the day when I break down and said NOOOO NOT anymore. I CAN’T… I can’t do it anymore. I don’t wanna be like you… Yes I do like you but I don’t wanna be like you my DAD because in return I am getting thrones, humiliation and rejection. I said NOO let me go back to this world; I want to be ME and myself. My DAD said yes my child I will not force you. It was my love for you made you realize about me but I have also given you a free will to choose your way and path.  Soon within no time I turned back. I started going away from his kingdom. I lose the fidelity with my LORD. My heart strived to get back into all the pleasures of this WORLD. I got lured, deceived and bound in the worldly chains. Gradually I started losing propitiations. I was ruled by arrogance, stubbornness, Ego. My self-pride inside in me never allowed me to HUMBLE myself. My arrogance said me not to give up and you have to win in all the fights and arguments even by making others hurt. My EGO made me feel hurt for even silly things. I lost my peace. I realized the relationships are getting spoiled because of me. I CRIED and asked myself WHY? What’s happening to me? Why even after trying a lot of times I can’t mend the broken relationships in my life. I get drowned and yelled I am sinking LORD. Why do you left me like this alone and watch me cry and see me helpless.. .I CALL YOU… SPEAK TO ME!!

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I heard that same voice from wilderness which called me when I was in DARK.

Me: Is it you my DAD?

GOD: YES my CHILD

Me: Where you were DAD all these days? Didn’t you see things getting spoiled? You didn’t see my cry? You didn’t see me weeping alone in the dark? You didn’t see me in that PAIN??

GOD: YES I DID but I was waiting for you to call me. I was always there with you but you didn’t call me and you took your free will to choose your own path. You said to me that no more prayers and you are not interested.  And further you said yes you like me but you can’t follow me… DON”T YOU REMEMBER my child?

Me: Yes I do. My mind is disturbed? I am perplexed! I want PEACE!!

GOD: The peace I give you is not of this WORLD. My PEACE is ETERNAL.

Me: People complain to me that I am becoming more arrogant and stubborn

GOD: My Child you were like this earlier. But it was me in you made me the change. You became a new creation in me on the day when you welcomed and accepted me as your personal savior and father. It was my LOVE & WARMTH people experienced in you. I stopped ruling you on that day when you said that you don’t need my guidelines anymore. It was my love which ruled you to be a good person. Now if people see and complain about your attitude then it’s not me it’s YOU. It’s your mind and body which is ruling you.

Me: I agreed but how do I mend it DAD. I tried and tried but can’t put me back into the right TRACK?

GOD: You can’t repair it yourself no matter how hard you try. Because it was my strength my child which mend your relationships. It was not your work… the WORK done by me for my CHILD.

Me: my marriage is in STRUGGLE? What should I do?

GOD: Neither the SEX nor this WORLD can heal your marriage. Give it to me my CHILD. Prioritize me in your life because when I gave my everything for you; then what is stopping you to prioritize me in your LIFE?

Me: My KID? She doesn’t love me!

GOD: None of your discipline and devotion can save your kid. Root deep in her my teachings.  Let them grew up by seeing me in you through your practice and deeds. Love them unconditionally without expectation. You just have to look at my sacrifice at the cross the last expression of my LOVE I made for you. If you have known me then you can love without expecting.

Me: My pride…

God: If you want to follow me then you have to DENY yourself, take your CROSS and follow me because there is no other way than this narrow path. Your PRIDE will vanish when you deny yourself and make humble.

Me: my Health…?

GOD: NO NO NOOO… You remember it was not this world’s medicines cured you. May be people have prayed, your pastor have prayed, your own parents prayed but NOO… it was me who came there in that labor room when I saw you crying out of your labor pain and you called me … GOD HELP ME I CANT TAKE THIS PAIN. Then it was me who took your baby out of your womb safely. It was me who touched your body and healed all your hereditary sickness and illness because now you are my heir.

GOD: Wear me my Child, wear my attitude, and wear my HUMBLENESS, my PATIENCE…

Me: DAD but I … I find it hard LORD to be LIKE you. People take me for granted, when I don’t react people think I am fool, I keep on forgiving but how long will I forgive? They reject me?

GOD: Don’t give up and YES you can be like me. My grace is enough for you to follow and obey my GOSPEL.

Yes I know people will take you for granted because that’s what I people did to me. I healed them; I raised their child from DEAD still they rebel against me. I gave myself to them yet they refuse to come to me.

Yes PEOPLE will think you are FOOL when you keep quiet. But do it for me my CHILD…. Do it for me for the love I have in you…

Yes I know you keep on forgiving and you ask me how long? Then I tell you till the END and I will give you the CROWN of eternity. This is what I called you for. Didn’t I forgive you when you turned away? Didn’t I forgive you when you rebelled? Didn’t I forgive you when you refuse listening to me? I have forgiven your past SINS, still forgiving you and will keep just because I LOVE YOU.

If you talk about rejection then listen my own people rejected me, taunted me. This world will reject you because they have rejected me…

 

Jesus said if you don’t have love in you, if you can’t love your neighbors, if you can’t love your own brother then you lie that you know me. You fool yourself by saying that you love me. Love does not boat, there’s no wining and losing… LOVE is FORGIVENESS. the simple definition is FORGIVENESS.