Today I just felt damn annoyed and bad for increasing my voice and asked to a guy which was not even my matter but talked for somebody else. I pity on myself… why should I spoil relationships with somebody when I don’t have any personal problem or grudge. Sometimes I hate my tongue which speaks up at unnecessary and in irrelevant situations. Damn hell about my mouth and tongue. Why can’t I just shut my bloody mouth, if it’s not my issue.

Losers who can’t speak up or react for their own basic things…. I am still feeling bad for reacting to my colleague which was not even my issue. Being social is a crime I learned it. Mind your own hell business and shut your mouth in all irrelevant matters. Be selfish and mean always…

Today at this phase of my life I very well know what I want and what I don’t. Don’t go behind of the things which you don’t want. Many times we strive to get things which we don’t want but only to convince or for the sake of society and our family. I just wonder why people do such foolish things. That is biggest awful thing according to me.

There was one time where I was not at all religious and I don’t understand that concept no matter how hard my friends and other’s try to convince me. But still I follow and go to church even though I didn’t find any meaning in that (for my parent’s sake). But then one day I made a decision to be myself…. I said to myself Lexi you grown up… stop doing and pleasing others. Be honest to your life. Why do we worry about the acceptance of others…. leave it and follow your heart. With all my guts I said to ma parents that I can’t follow them and will not come to church anymore becoz I don’t understand that. At that time I wanted that and I followed ma mind. There was a stage of my life where I got so committed with my love and I started to learn and understand many things. I realized one thing that there are things in our life which we don’t understand even after convincing to me 100 times by others but I easily get convinced when our love explains that to me. My better half his love was the wonderful thing happened in my life. Then there was a phase where I totally became spiritual and wanted to follow rest of ma life into that. I understood the concept of spirituality. Yes I do accept all have different mindset and their definition of spirituality and everything. I found my God and decided to become a born again. At that time I wanted to be spiritual and that doesn’t sound good to ma parents but I didn’t fear about what the society or ma family, relatives will think about me. I went ahead and got baptized and now I am satisfied as I followed my mind nobody forced me.

At each stage of life our heart tells us to pursue something. But we just suppress that due to many reasons. Today I am happy when I think what all I have attained. Yes I was honest to ma life and will be. Because to many extent I followed my heart. I never let ma life to be decided in the hand of others. There was a time where I needed a friend a boy to share all my feelings and emotions and there I got an excellent boy friend. Today I have a good spouse who accepts me as what I am and a sweet baby with whom I am happy. What my heart says now? What I need is to take a break from everything and move to other part of the world and get settled and like to spend a cool vacation by forgetting all other tensions and worries. So I am in to that now!!!

Let me tell you one thing. We have only one life, so don’t think twice to live your life according to your wish. Be very much yourself. I want you all to make a decision now. Just close your eyes and keep your hands in your heart; be honest and say what you want in your life and what you don’t. With all your guts follow your heart and burry down all the things which you don’t want. Be brave and have the backbone to follow what you wish. If you want to take a break then go ahead, if you wanna marry, then propose… if you wanna break up then do it, if you wanna live with your boyfriend/ girlfriend then don’t think twice, you wann to be spiritual then what are you waiting for, if you wanna break up all the chains and want to be free then break the chains and be free, don’t wann to get married now, then speak out…..  Do it.. Don’t hesitate or step back this time…

I was a person who spends almost all ma leisure time in sleeping, outing and mostly watching new release movies and I enjoy it watching in the theatres. Now all these just became past fancy activities of ma life. I got accustomed to the sleepless nights and all the time busy with one or the other things of her. The main thing is that when I and Das gets into a deep sleep and baby just wakes up @ the middle of the night, in the meantime without a second thought all of sudden I wake up to soothe her. Habitually dads just think twice before breaking up their sleep. All the night I just spend ma time in shaking the cradle so that ma baby gets a good sleep. I think because of all these mostly mother’s feel more sensitive than fathers when it comes to their child even after they grew up. Mom’s doesn’t give a second thought when it comes to their baby. Fathers don’t even know when their wife and baby get to sleep @ night. They just don’t have time to sacrifice their sleep and to check out other things of the baby like when to buy the diaper and when to change it etc etc,.. Perhaps they have strict office schedules and other household responsibilities and main reason is that baby’s specially depends on their mom for their food. So that’s quite natural.

When it comes to ma baby I just become a bit possessive I don’t know whether all mothers feel the same way. When she spends more time with somebody other than me I just feel in ma mind like owww wot the crap… I am her mom give back ma baby in ma arms… hehehe but don’t express it. But but….I never expect das to be very over caring and damn possessive like a mother. Oww my God some time he’s just too much in these things.

Now I just realized that it’s not and not at all easy to up bring our child and I am able to understand with how many difficulties and pain ma parents bought me up.

Our baby just became the whole world to me and Das now. Before everything we just think of her first. Our priorities, concerns and importance changed to her. These days I am just emerging a passion for photography’s and the reason is to take unlimited snaps of her in distinct styles.

More responsibilities added to ma life, but I just love it with ma baby spending and watching her each moves and expressions. Now when days are getting close for me to go to office I feel shattered. All these days 24 hours I spend with ma baby and all of a sudden I have to leave her in the hands of ma mother-in-law and the caretaker. I know that ma MIL will look after very well, but do they will take care of ma baby like me? There are times when she doesn’t go in the hands of anybody she gets soothed only in ma hands. What will they do in such situations when I am not there with ma baby? I hope they will learn the knack to handle and soothe her out.

I don’t know what to say regarding what I feel now…. Romantic, dreamy, laziness etc…and the smell is really good when it rains first time after a long gap, reek of wet mud …. lovely. I like to take a small ride in my car during this rain only with ma (hubby) J and love to get drenched but that would seems to be mad for others hehehe… anyways loving this moment with nature

I feel damn bored sometimes sitting @ home. Das, mom and sis they all leaves to office in morning and comes back by evening. Meantime I just feel bored. No body to talk, no body to share any thing. I just sit in home and does ma work.

But beside all that I am feeling great when I thinks of the happy news which is gonna arrive after a few months. I am just feeling great when I think about that. It’s really a different to experience the motherhood. I just love it. The baby kicks and movements. It makes me feel like a small life is living inside me and I have to protect ma baby. All the time that new life reminds me by lots of kicks & moves. I feel great great and happy.  Just thanking God for gifting this moment in my and das life.

But sometimes in between of sleep I wake up and just get panic by thinking of the pain at the last moment. But some how I convince my self that lexi its fine to tolerate some pain to experience a big happiness after that. And I am also able to give up all ma favorite things for this which I like to do the most. Now I don’t feel that I making sacrifices by quitting ma favorite things for the new life inside in me. Finally few more months to go and I am very eager and excited.

Hope all my dear friends are with me with lot of prayers.

It’s really blessed to be peaceful and joyful is it! Now I really got lazy to go out. I am getting rest to ma body and mind now.

When coming to Das, he express his love when I am really sick… normally he’s always busy and still finds time for me. But when I am sick he leaves everything behind and always stays with me. Sometimes I think its good to fall sick and unwell in between to be with him hehehe

Hope to post more blogs now… new things are happening in ma life and I am glad and delighted for that.

I get damn hell annoyed when people interfere in my life and that to in private matters, I feel like what the f**k man just give me a break!!! Do they have any idea how we will feel to their nuisance questions and that to which makes us feel awfulL.  I console my mind and gets normal but again due to some third person’s meddling make me feel upset all over again and I am like shit, who doesn’t know to handle such situations like that. Ma brain just stops working sometimes.

Life becomes so miserable and unsolved during some circumstances. At this point I think I don’t have that ability to face the problems of ma life anymore.  Now I stopped hoping from my life. I prayed hard, cried silently and got shattered inside…. but now I wonder do God stopped listening to ma prayers and valuing my tears.  Eventually I make up my mind and tell myself that lex just count the success and blessings which I have attained rather being cursing or grumbling to God. Sometimes I think that actually what right I have to complain and compare the blessings achieved by the other people in my life.  The main problem is that when we get disappointed automatically we tend to feel unsatisfied with all the things. Why Life just sucks sometimes…. I am really facing a hard time to soothe myself and come out from this condition   Please pray for me ….

Friday was ma last day there. I entrust all ma works to the authoritative person and by evening the concern person will hand over the reliving letter in my hand. All of a sudden I started to feel unpleasant inside my heart, when I saw the formalities, letters etc,… Ma eyes got filled with tears but I was pretending to be normal and cheerful. Its 4’o clock and by 5.30 we all pack our bags and get ready to leave. Gradually one by one came to me and started to wish me all the best…. First the list of person begins from casual friends, then came to ma close and dearest friends. Oww ma God I started to feel very heavy inside. They just cuddled me and tears just busted out… I hate this tears which always comes out at the wrong place & situation (show off errrr, but I was helpless to control ma tears)….

Actually I was happy there except some bugging things. This is the firm which taught me many things. I learned ma work, achieved some valuable friends, excellent superiors and made me independent by giving ma first earning in my life. At one side I think it is best that I have made the decision to quit but somehow I feel like crying to leave aside this place, ma friends, those tea & lunch breaks, hangouts, trips, gossips, fights, celebrations, achievements, team work, long chats, complains and one of my sweet boss who encouraged us a lot. I will miss all those things….  :s I never thought that I will feel so bad to leave from here.

Life never remains same and now I am just trying to get adjusted with the new things, place, friends…. Hope the best. I realized every phase of ma life teaches me something and I have to learn from that…

I feel helpless regarding some relationships even though I don’t like but can’t get rid of the things!!!!