Damn hell annoyed

Damn annoyed with something. When I am diplomatic and quiet that doesn’t mean that I don’t know to open my mouth. People take me for granted when I show a friendly nature always. I am shutting my mouth only because I don’t want to make any relationship spoiled. I started to believe in patience and forgiveness…

This is high time I need to shake myself and set my priorities. I have to realize that I need to be happy handling everything alone. Don’t expect things from the expecting people. Sometimes I think nobody is there if I yell and call for a help… people are selfish and I don’t blame them too… they have to be…. So happy with whatever situations and have to be.  

 

I am getting feeble and tired

I am really bugged and putting all the things together here — all the things which are running through my mind and making me feel grrrrr……….

People take us for granted. Sometimes we need to remind people the things we are doing. I need to remind some one that I don’t have to do this bullshits so just open your eyes and realize.

(My House)

God I am really fed up of running my house with full responsibility on my head. Dad and mom entrusted their house to me and shifted to another place for their job. Dad bought 3 dogs and he left to Thenkasi for taking care of his business. My hubby left to abroad for his further studies and JOB. Beside all this I have appointed a baby sitter for my 1 year old baby and ma parents appointed a maid for taking care of their home. So I have to take care of the entire things on behalf of ma mom & dad like paying all kind of bills to getting all the necessary needed household things like food, gas for cooking, milk, washing powder blah blah …. and also need to take care of my baby sitter and my parent’s maid. Beside all this the difficult part comes is maintaining the 3 big dogs my goodness that’s the intricate part. To feed 3 huge all time hungry dogs which make my purse and budget vanish. Not an easy job to run a house I am telling you. Sometimes I really get fed-up and damn tired by running and managing all together. Sometimes I yell inside in me and tell I am incapable of doing all… can’t anymore manage things together. I feel like giving up. I am tried by doing my mom and dad role for their house and a care taker and protector role which das use to do and looking after bloody shit dogs which dad use to do. I also need to manage my Job which is a routine from morning 9 to 6 evening.

I need a break and wanna be free from all this. I wish I can sit at home leaving all these things aside and spend some relaxed time with ma baby. In-spite of all these busy schedules what makes me again annoyed is the nagging of some people and lack of understanding for the pain and pressure which I am going through. The only thing which makes me boost up is my baby’s face.  I get week sometimes and give up things due to fatigue.  Still I make up myself to be strong and bold.

 

(My Husband Das)

Now in the absence of my spouse (Das), I started to realize things and experienced hard situations too and faced it bravely which I never expected.  I realize after getting married when we are in real need none of the bullshits will be there to help us. I think, if das was here he do all the things and never make me aware of the difficulties and other problems. I understood now that for my things better not to depend on anybody. Only I will be there for my problems, nobody will be there to help me other than my Das. It’s true that nobody can ever compensate our husband’s place. Nobody will treat you as good as your husband does. And nobody will care you & your baby and do all things for you as your husband do. No matter whatever fights and & strong arguments we have but finally only he will be there for me and I will be there for him when things turn bad.

 

(My baby Abigail)

For my baby I think and believe that in her life the first right to take up the decision is only mine and das. None other has the same importance in making decisions. My parents tell to do one thing for my baby and my husband’s parents want to do the other things for her… I and Das like hellooo she’s our baby, finally we will decide… dude is that okay.…  We know what the dos are and don’ts, wrongs and right’s for her… so leave it to us….

 

(My Family)

So finally coming to my family, my parents they got settled in another place and doesn’t hinder in any matter of us because they believe that we are grown up and capable of sorting our problems our own… well appreciated.  To be frank when it comes to my parents and in-laws I love both of them equally (both moms & dads). When compare dads I always like my father in law. I never saw such a genuine person like him. He’s strong and loving and that’s the reason why I just love him more than my dad. But ma dad he’s not genuine in many situations and makes ma mom and us feels bad at many times. Talking about Moms, my mother in law, she’s an innocent I admit it, but doesn’t have the proper understanding. She needs to be guided all the time and incapable of taking decisions but at the same time she’s very down to earth. But my mom I never seen such a strong and bold lady like her. The things which she gone through, struggles, pressures, handle the things in hard situations and managing us, home and her Job together. She did a great Job and still…. She doesn’t need any guidelines, she’s capable of taking her own decisions, she knows how to up bring her children and also know how to protect them in the absence of my dad. So hats off to my mom and my father in law J really. I respect you both a lot for what you areJ.

Lastly I am trying to handle everything as my mom handled things when she was young. I am praying to Lord Almighty always to give me the strength carry and manage things in future without getting tired and week anymore. I love my Lord and husband for their constant support and understanding in all my hard situations.

 

My Love

O my love………
I will be lonely when you go away from me
I am meaningless without you in my life

You taught what love to me is
I understood the meaning of life
I am nothing without you my love

You explored my life …
You showed new things to me
You made me come out from what I am

You made me feel special by caring me
You made me feel beautiful by kissing me
You made me feel unique by complimenting me
You made me feel that you need me by cuddling each time

I start to love spend all the time with you
I dropped my feminism inside in me after meeting you
I became women when you made love with me
I begin to respect the feeling of lust when you touched me

I will get hurt
When I will stretch ma hands to feel you in my bed
And I don’t find you with me
Dear don’t go away from me…

My life will became dried out like earlier
My life will become dark like earlier
I don’t want the lights to be rotten in my life again…

It’s hard to accept that you are not going to be with me
I will not able to cover the space without you in my life
I don’t know how I am going to control myself from breaking down

Tell me how to stop the rolling tears from ma eyes my dear.
Tell me how I can stop thinking about you my love
Tell me how I can kill the loneliness in my life without you
How can I stop missing you….

My life will become hollow without you.
Each time spend with you was precious and valuable

No matter whatever the situation is
I love to be with you ….

{I am missing you a lot dear… }

 

My meaning of friendship

I am really blessed to have some good list of friends in my life that stood by me forever. I am a kind of person who always likes to make new friends, meet new people and also make new friends very fast. For me rather being very choosy and pick some few I like to be in a group of friends. I would prefer being with a group of friends rather being with a friend for the whole day. But there are times in my life where I stick to one or two when I am in a real problem.

When I hear people telling to me like he/she is my best besttttt friend ever it seems to be really kiddish and immature for me. I remember the days when I use to tell he/she is my best friend and that was in school. I realized that there is no perfection or best people to pick or choose. No person can make it best… all have their own negatives and positive sides. Nobody can ever understand us perfectly or in the best way. For me friendship is not spending the whole day with that person and to make daily calls and ask whether you had food, you slept etc,.  

I feel some close connection and bonding with few people even though I find so much of difference in opinions and thinking. I call them as my friends, loved ones or close friends. I share my feelings, views and ask for advice with them when I am in need. Well I don’t have best friends in my life but of course I have some really valuable close friends with whom I am pretty much comfortable.

I don’t call them daily and ask the things. We calls rarely… all are scattered at different place for their work or settled with family. When we grow up there comes a lot of responsibilities and the friendship is not the same like in colleges or schools. We have to grow up and understand our friend’s needs and value their time. Many times my friends when visit @ my hometown calls me to meet up but most of the time I could not make it. But still they understand me and my situations. In the same way I too value their time.

For me friendship means the love towards them stays in my heart and I will remember the good moments spend with them always because we all have different schedules, timings, plans. This is what friendship for me rather being telling she/he’s my best bestttt friend. They calls me rarely and I too make a surprise calls to them and just ask the things and just say love you muaahhh and take care … this is what friendship means to me. I love you all my friends who always understood me and always accepted me as what I am without expecting any changes. Tolerated all my arguments, fights…. Love you all and mmuaahhh…….. J

 

Felt bad for being irrelevant…

I get damn annoyed when people shut their mouth when they have to react and we have to speak for them. After speaking for them, finally we will be the culprit. Why people don’t have the backbone to have a word for their own basic things and rights.

Today I just felt damn annoyed and bad for increasing my voice and asked to a guy which was not even my matter but talked for somebody else. I pity on myself… why should I spoil relationships with somebody when I don’t have any personal problem or grudge. Sometimes I hate my tongue which speaks up at unnecessary and in irrelevant situations. Damn hell about my mouth and tongue. Why can’t I just shut my bloody mouth, if it’s not my issue.

Losers who can’t speak up or react for their own basic things…. I am still feeling bad for reacting to my colleague which was not even my issue. Being social is a crime I learned it. Mind your own hell business and shut your mouth in all irrelevant matters. Be selfish and mean always…

 

This time follow your heart

Many times we fail to follow our heart. ­­We live with lot of fears in our soul. Fear of family, society, rules, norms, religion etc,. We do one thing and our heart says to follow something different.  It’s quite natural; many people live and end their life like this. They let their life be in this world according to all these factors. They poke their soul and lead a very unsatisfactory life which they think is normal. Norms, values, relations, truth everything is created by our self (conscience) and that cannot be common for everybody. Because everybody is different from each other. Then how can we follow the same rules which may be right for others but not for me!! It is in our hands to decide our life and to set the norms and rules of our life.

Today at this phase of my life I very well know what I want and what I don’t. Don’t go behind of the things which you don’t want. Many times we strive to get things which we don’t want but only to convince or for the sake of society and our family. I just wonder why people do such foolish things. That is biggest awful thing according to me.

There was one time where I was not at all religious and I don’t understand that concept no matter how hard my friends and other’s try to convince me. But still I follow and go to church even though I didn’t find any meaning in that (for my parent’s sake). But then one day I made a decision to be myself…. I said to myself Lexi you grown up… stop doing and pleasing others. Be honest to your life. Why do we worry about the acceptance of others…. leave it and follow your heart. With all my guts I said to ma parents that I can’t follow them and will not come to church anymore becoz I don’t understand that. At that time I wanted that and I followed ma mind. There was a stage of my life where I got so committed with my love and I started to learn and understand many things. I realized one thing that there are things in our life which we don’t understand even after convincing to me 100 times by others but I easily get convinced when our love explains that to me. My better half his love was the wonderful thing happened in my life. Then there was a phase where I totally became spiritual and wanted to follow rest of ma life into that. I understood the concept of spirituality. Yes I do accept all have different mindset and their definition of spirituality and everything. I found my God and decided to become a born again. At that time I wanted to be spiritual and that doesn’t sound good to ma parents but I didn’t fear about what the society or ma family, relatives will think about me. I went ahead and got baptized and now I am satisfied as I followed my mind nobody forced me.

At each stage of life our heart tells us to pursue something. But we just suppress that due to many reasons. Today I am happy when I think what all I have attained. Yes I was honest to ma life and will be. Because to many extent I followed my heart. I never let ma life to be decided in the hand of others. There was a time where I needed a friend a boy to share all my feelings and emotions and there I got an excellent boy friend. Today I have a good spouse who accepts me as what I am and a sweet baby with whom I am happy. What my heart says now? What I need is to take a break from everything and move to other part of the world and get settled and like to spend a cool vacation by forgetting all other tensions and worries. So I am in to that now!!!

Let me tell you one thing. We have only one life, so don’t think twice to live your life according to your wish. Be very much yourself. I want you all to make a decision now. Just close your eyes and keep your hands in your heart; be honest and say what you want in your life and what you don’t. With all your guts follow your heart and burry down all the things which you don’t want. Be brave and have the backbone to follow what you wish. If you want to take a break then go ahead, if you wanna marry, then propose… if you wanna break up then do it, if you wanna live with your boyfriend/ girlfriend then don’t think twice, you wann to be spiritual then what are you waiting for, if you wanna break up all the chains and want to be free then break the chains and be free, don’t wann to get married now, then speak out…..  Do it.. Don’t hesitate or step back this time…

 

My new world

How soon life is changing and time is just flying like anything. Each stage of our life assigns a new role & couple of new responsibilities. When I was in ma college I never imagined myself being a responsible mother who sitting @ home & taking care of her child by leaving all other things aside. Years passed and now I can’t think a single day without ma baby. Now in ma mind I was just thinking the role of a father and mother. How different both the roles are even though each role is having the same level of responsibilities and duties.

I was a person who spends almost all ma leisure time in sleeping, outing and mostly watching new release movies and I enjoy it watching in the theatres. Now all these just became past fancy activities of ma life. I got accustomed to the sleepless nights and all the time busy with one or the other things of her. The main thing is that when I and Das gets into a deep sleep and baby just wakes up @ the middle of the night, in the meantime without a second thought all of sudden I wake up to soothe her. Habitually dads just think twice before breaking up their sleep. All the night I just spend ma time in shaking the cradle so that ma baby gets a good sleep. I think because of all these mostly mother’s feel more sensitive than fathers when it comes to their child even after they grew up. Mom’s doesn’t give a second thought when it comes to their baby. Fathers don’t even know when their wife and baby get to sleep @ night. They just don’t have time to sacrifice their sleep and to check out other things of the baby like when to buy the diaper and when to change it etc etc,.. Perhaps they have strict office schedules and other household responsibilities and main reason is that baby’s specially depends on their mom for their food. So that’s quite natural.

When it comes to ma baby I just become a bit possessive I don’t know whether all mothers feel the same way. When she spends more time with somebody other than me I just feel in ma mind like owww wot the crap… I am her mom give back ma baby in ma arms… hehehe but don’t express it. But but….I never expect das to be very over caring and damn possessive like a mother. Oww my God some time he’s just too much in these things.

Now I just realized that it’s not and not at all easy to up bring our child and I am able to understand with how many difficulties and pain ma parents bought me up.

Our baby just became the whole world to me and Das now. Before everything we just think of her first. Our priorities, concerns and importance changed to her. These days I am just emerging a passion for photography’s and the reason is to take unlimited snaps of her in distinct styles.

More responsibilities added to ma life, but I just love it with ma baby spending and watching her each moves and expressions. Now when days are getting close for me to go to office I feel shattered. All these days 24 hours I spend with ma baby and all of a sudden I have to leave her in the hands of ma mother-in-law and the caretaker. I know that ma MIL will look after very well, but do they will take care of ma baby like me? There are times when she doesn’t go in the hands of anybody she gets soothed only in ma hands. What will they do in such situations when I am not there with ma baby? I hope they will learn the knack to handle and soothe her out.

 

Its raining…. hippieee… 

Woww…. Its heavy raining today and I really love the nature when it is doused completely. This is the time where I really like to spend some time for myself. I love to sit in ma balcony with a cup of hot coffee and reading ma favorite novel while enjoying the rain.

I don’t know what to say regarding what I feel now…. Romantic, dreamy, laziness etc…and the smell is really good when it rains first time after a long gap, reek of wet mud …. lovely. I like to take a small ride in my car during this rain only with ma (hubby) J and love to get drenched but that would seems to be mad for others hehehe… anyways loving this moment with nature

 

 

Bored but feeling great at the same time

I just feels to go out, travel some where… eat ma favorite yummy pastries and cuisines. Now I am just missing all that. I just dropped ma favorite delicious Chinese dishes for few months L

I feel damn bored sometimes sitting @ home. Das, mom and sis they all leaves to office in morning and comes back by evening. Meantime I just feel bored. No body to talk, no body to share any thing. I just sit in home and does ma work.

But beside all that I am feeling great when I thinks of the happy news which is gonna arrive after a few months. I am just feeling great when I think about that. It’s really a different to experience the motherhood. I just love it. The baby kicks and movements. It makes me feel like a small life is living inside me and I have to protect ma baby. All the time that new life reminds me by lots of kicks & moves. I feel great great and happy.  Just thanking God for gifting this moment in my and das life.

But sometimes in between of sleep I wake up and just get panic by thinking of the pain at the last moment. But some how I convince my self that lexi its fine to tolerate some pain to experience a big happiness after that. And I am also able to give up all ma favorite things for this which I like to do the most. Now I don’t feel that I making sacrifices by quitting ma favorite things for the new life inside in me. Finally few more months to go and I am very eager and excited.

Hope all my dear friends are with me with lot of prayers.

 

Cheerful and relaxed

I am so much relaxed and happy now days even though sometimes I feel physical inconvenience and pains. I am sitting @ home and working. Initially I thought I would feel damn bored while sitting @ home. But the situation made me to work from home and I had to. But now it’s amazing that I love being at home. No tensions, worries, strain, stress… I feel like free from every stress and pains. I am feeling blissful and very much relaxed. Now I am getting a lot of time and finding time for many things also. Earlier it was busy schedule. Even though I like it but I hardly find time for everything after coming to home from office. Now have time for everything in my life. I never felt such peaceful ever. I am able to do more work than when I was sitting in office.

It’s really blessed to be peaceful and joyful is it! Now I really got lazy to go out. I am getting rest to ma body and mind now.

When coming to Das, he express his love when I am really sick… normally he’s always busy and still finds time for me. But when I am sick he leaves everything behind and always stays with me. Sometimes I think its good to fall sick and unwell in between to be with him hehehe

Hope to post more blogs now… new things are happening in ma life and I am glad and delighted for that.